


butterflies in ink

by asiannoodles



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Butterflies, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, References to Depression, Romance, angsty fluff??, sad but sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-30 15:18:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14499864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asiannoodles/pseuds/asiannoodles
Summary: Butterflies don't stay very long, Hoseok thinks. They disappear too quick.But Hoseok is sure that his butterfly will be with him forever, even when he's gone.





	butterflies in ink

**Author's Note:**

> kiho monthly: hurt/comfort (april)
> 
>  
> 
> currently unedited so please excuse any mistakes ; v ;

“Mister? What’s on your arm?”

Hoseok looked down at the small girl who was looking up at him with eyes filled with curiosity. He smiled and bent down to show her his arm wrapped in plastic. “This?” he asked.

She nodded shyly, clutching her mom’s skirt. The older lady smiled down at him. “Sorry for coming up so suddenly —she wouldn’t stop asking me about your arm.” 

“Don’t worry about.” Hoseok grinned at her. Turning his attention back to the small girl, he said, “My arm looks a little funny, doesn’t it?”

She nodded a little shyly. “Did you hurt yourself?” 

“No,” Hoseok chuckled as he shook his head. “But it is healing. My arm is healing from a getting a tattoo.”

“A tattoo?” 

“Would you like to see it?”

She nodded and Hoseok carefully unwrapped the plastic on his arm to reveal the newest set of ink he had gotten the day prior. It was a simple watercolor ink job at the moment, nothing but some black and white cherry blossom branches hanging down from his shoulder. The cherry blossom branches seemed chaotic, like veins, but it was still somehow serene to Hoseok.

But the little girl seemed very awed by it, her eyes going wide as she stared at it. “Did you draw that?”

Hoseok laughed. “No, an artist did them for me.”

She gaped at it. “An artist drew it perfectly like that?”

“Yup! Because if they mess up, they can’t erase it.” Hoseok winked. “So they have to be perfect the first time.”

“Wow…” she murmured. Then with a bright smile, she looked up at her mother. “Mommy! I want to be a tattoo artist when I grow up!” 

“Really?” the mother grinned. “That means you’ll need to practice so that you can draw perfectly from now on.”

Hoseok winked at her. “If you get good enough, I’ll let you do a tattoo on me someday.” 

“Really?!” 

Hoseok chuckled as he stood up and made eye contact with the girl’s mother. She smiled at him and said, “Thank you for talking to her. Although you didn’t need to take the wrap off of your tattoo—I’m sure the tattoo is still fresh from what I see.”

“It’s not a problem.” Hoseok smiled. “And I needed to change the wrap anyways, so don’t worry about it!”

“It’s a very nice looking tattoo so far,” she complimented. “My husbands into body art so I see quite a bit of it. Are you going in for more sessions?”

Hoseok nodded and said, “Yeah, I’m going in for the next few months. I’m planning to get a sleeve so it’ll take a while.” He laughed.

“Oh, a whole sleeve? That’s going to take a long time then, yes,” she chuckled. “Is there an occasion for why you’re getting it?”

“Order for Shin Hoseok!” 

Hoseok turned to see where the worker had put a paper bag of food on the counter. He looked back to the mom and replied, “Yeah, sort of. I guess you could say it’s more for a person than an occasion.” He grabbed the paper bag of food and grinned. “It was really nice meeting you! I’ll be heading out now!”

“It was lovely meeting you as well.” She smiled as she encouraged her daughter to wave goodbye. “I hope whoever your tattoo is for likes it!”

Hoseok smiled as he said his thanks and  waved goodbye back, walking out of the store at the same time. “Me too,” he murmured.

  
  
  
  


“I’m here to see Yoo Kihyun?”

The receptionist looked down at her clipboards and flipped through a couple of pages. Hoseok didn’t recognize her—she must have been new. He was at the hospital so often, the regular receptionist would just smile and sign him in without needing to ask who he was.

“What is your relation to him?”

“I’m his husband.”

“Oh!” Her eyes widened. “You’re listed right here, Shin Hoseok. Go right ahead, he should be in room 296 like always.” She smiled.

“Thank you,” he said with a curt nod.

Hoseok let out a soft sigh as he took the elevator up to the second floor. It had been a while since Kihyun had been admitted to the hospital. A few months, perhaps. Hoseok couldn’t remember the exact date. He could only remember the devastation on Kihyun’s face when he was told that he would need to stay for an indefinite amount of time. 

Kihyun had probably been sick for as long as Hoseok could remember. But he had never gotten bad enough to need to stay at the hospital. Hoseok had been worried in the beginning before realizing that he didn’t have time to worry—not when Kihyun was more scared than he was. 

If Hoseok had been scared then Kihyun was even worse. He was terrified the first night he spent alone in the hospital and if Hoseok was worried then surely Kihyun would get more scared. No, Hoseok couldn’t worry. He had to be there for Kihyun—had to be strong. 

The days got better as time passed though. Kihyun ended up staying at the hospital and in turn, Hoseok sort of did too. He slept by Kihyun’s side every chance he got and stayed with him when he could. Today was one of the good days. The hospital seemed bright today and Hoseok knew Kihyun would be excited to see the food he had gotten in his bag.

Hoseok got off the elevator and walked the familiar route to the room Kihyun was staying in. The door was open when Hoseok stepped in, knocking on the door to alert his husband that he had arrived. With a smile, he stepped in.

Kihyun sat on his bed as usual, today focused on fiddling with a rubik’s cube in his hands. He looked up when Hoseok entered with a soft smile on his face.

“Hey,” he said.

Hoseok smiled and replied, “Hey. What are you up to?”

Kihyun threw the rubik’s cube down with a sigh. “Nothing important. Where did you go today?”

“I went in for my first session,” Hoseok said proudly. “It wasn’t as bad as I was expecting.”

“For your tattoo?” Kihyun asked, his eyes widening in interest. “Can I see it?”

Hoseok shook his head cheekily. “Nope! It’s a surprise for you, remember?”

Kihyun pouted, his hands going back to mindlessly meddle with the rubik’s cube before saying, “It’s for me though, isn’t it? Why can’t I see it?”

With a slight chuckle, Hoseok leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. “You’ll get to see it eventually, baby, don’t worry. How are you feeling today?” he asked, sitting down next to the bed. 

“Same as always, I guess?” Kihyun shrugged. “I don’t think there’s a difference.” 

“You’re not getting worse, that’s good.”

“But I’m not getting better either.”

“Kihyun,” Hoseok said firmly as he took off the bag from his back. “I’ve told you how many times not to talk like that?”

Kihyun smiled somewhat sheepishly as he replied, “You’re right, you’re right. Anyways—is that all you went out to do today? Your tattoo session?”

“I  _ also  _ got you a gift!” Hoseok sang as he pulled a plastic bag out of his backpack. “You were a bit down this past week so I wanted to get you something special.”

“You did?” Kihyun lowered the rubik’s cube into his lap as he stared at the plastic bag with wide eyes. He recognized the smell before Hoseok could even finish pulling it out. “Is that…?”

Hoseok grinned as he unwrapped the plastic to reveal the still warm styrofoam takeout box. “Your favorite?”

Kihyun’s eyes absolutely lit up in excitement and he threw his arms around Hoseok’s neck, bringing him closer to squish their cheeks together. “I love you so much!” he exclaimed, peppering Hoseok’s face with kisses. 

Hoseok smiled widely, his cheek lifting with his lips and pressing harder against Kihyun’s as he turned his head to kiss him also. “I love you more.”

“I didn’t know you could bring me food!”

Kihyun let go of him excitedly to open up the warm box, the smell of jokbal immediately filling and scenting the entire room. Hoseok opened up some smaller boxes of side dishes, smiling just a little harder every time he saw Kihyun look excitedly at all the food. He wasn’t sure the last time he had eaten this with Kihyun. For something they would eat every Friday night like tradition, they hadn’t eaten it together in a while.

“I thought you couldn’t bring food into the hospital,” Kihyun said as he broke a pair of chopsticks.

Hoseok smiled and replied, “I got a nurse’s permission. I love spoiling you but I need permission first, you know.” He chuckled. “I had to make sure you weren’t going in for any testing tomorrow.”

Kihyun made a small wrap of jokbal and some sides. Folding it, he held it up to Hoseok’s mouth. “Well, lucky for me I don’t need to get tested tomorrow.”

Somewhat bitterly, they both kind of knew why Kihyun was no longer getting tested.

Hoseok smiled softly but shook his head and said, “Baby, feed yourself first.”

“No.” Kihyun pouted stubbornly. He pushed his hand closer to Hoseok’s mouth. “I always feed you first.”

“Kihyun—”

_ “Hoseok,” _ Kihyun urged. He frowned.

Hoseok didn’t have it in him to try to get Kihyun to feed himself first. So hesitantly, he opened his mouth and let Kihyun feed him his little parcel of lettuce. It brought such a large smile onto Kihyun’s face as Hoseok chewed it, he couldn’t help but feel a little lighter too. He laughed lightly to himself as he silently made a wrap for Kihyun also and brought it to his mouth. Kihyun ate it with a big smile.

And for a moment, it felt like life was the way it used to be.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Hoseok rubbed Kihyun’s back as he coughed violently, the feeling of his chest seizing under Hoseok’s hand making him wince. He had woken up at two in the morning from Kihyun’s coughing and couldn’t help but feel his heart drop as he went to comfort him. He couldn’t do much but whisper soothing nothings into Kihyun’s ear, hoping that the pain would stop somehow.

The glow of moonlight illuminated Kihyun’s pained face as his coughing eventually seized. He held his face in his hands, breathing heavily as he apologized for waking Hoseok up.

Hoseok continued to rub, Kihyun’s back, forcing himself to pull a tired smile on his face. “No, no,” he whispered, “it’s okay. You woke me up from a bad dream, so I should be thanking you.” 

Kihyun chuckled heartlessly as he rubbed his forehead with his fingers. “Still. I’m sorry for waking you up. I know you have to be up early tomorrow.”

“It’s okay,” Hoseok whispered. He brought his hand up to massage the base of Kihyun’s neck. “How’s your throat?”

“It hurts,” Kihyun sighed as he relaxed into his touch. “But not as much when I’m not coughing, so that’s good.”

Kihyun closed his eyes and breathed softly from his nose, letting the feeling of Hoseok’s fingers lull him back into calmness. Hoseok’s fingers worked at his skin gently, careful not to hurt him as his fingers traveled up to massage the base of his skull and eventually over to under Kihyun’s ear. Kihyun giggled lightly when Hoseok massaged his earlobe.

“Stop that,” he chuckled.

Hoseok smiled and took Kihyun’s empty hands with his other one, then brought it up to his lips so he could kiss it. “I know you like it.” 

Kihyun opened his eyes and the moonlight glinted in them like stars. His teeth were bright as he smiled at Hoseok. “I guess I do,” he whispered.

“Remember how you used to do this to Jooheon to wake him up?”

“Mm,” Kihyun hummed. “Changkyun liked it to. I used to do it when he was a baby.” 

“He told me that a few times,” Hoseok chuckled. 

Kihyun stared sadly down to his hands—one an open palm, the other with Hoseok’s. “I miss him,” he said quietly. “I miss Jooheon too. How have they been?”

Hoseok was quiet for a moment before softly replying, “Good. Jooheon’s still at his job and Changkyun is finishing up his last semester.”

“Tell them to visit me sometime.” 

“I will.”

Kihyun hummed to himself again and looked out the window. The skies were clear, nothing but the moon and stars in the sky. Hoseok felt his fingers tighten within his grip as he turned back to him.

“Babe, do you think you could… open the window for me?” Kihyun seemed nervous as he stared at Hoseok patiently. He licked his lips and blinked and Hoseok wondered what he looked so anxious to ask for.

“Of course,” Hoseok responded as he stood up. 

He opened the window with a soft click and the sounds of night breezes rustling the leaves in front filled the room. Crickets chirping found their way to Hoseok’s ears as he took in a deep breath of the fresh night air. Surely this would help Kihyun breathe better while he fell back asleep.

“Hoseok…” Softly, Kihyun spoke behind him.

Hoseok turned and smiled. “Yes, baby?”

Kihyun swallowed and stared down at his hands. “Do you think…? Do you think you could sing to me?”

“Sing to you?” Hoseok felt his eyes widen slightly. “You want me to?”

Nodding, Kihyun responded, “Yes, please.”

Hoseok chuckled softly as he came back to his side. “Why?” he asked.

Kihyun shifted over in his hospital bed and pat the small, empty spot next to him. He wanted Hoseok to lay with him. So reluctantly, Hoseok climbed in and smiled softly when Kihyun curled up to his side immediately. He curled an arm behind Kihyun’s back, placing his hand on his head to stroke his hair.

“Why do you want me to sing to you?” he asked again.

“It’ll help me sleep,” Kihyun answered. 

Hoseok smiled as he traced Kihyun’s eyebrow. “My voice has never been as good as yours, baby.”

Kihyun buried his face into Hoseok’s neck, murmuring, “I can’t sing anymore though. If I can’t sing for you anymore, you’ve got to sing for me.”

“Kihyun—”

“Please. I want to hear you sing.”

Perhaps two heartbeats passed as Hoseok pursed his lips together and listened to the sound of crickets outside Kihyun’s window. 

“Okay,” he said after a moment. “I can sing to you.”

He felt Kihyun’s cheek lift into a smile as he made himself more comfortable. “Sing me to sleep, please. Sing me to sleep and I’ll sleep.”

Hoseok chuckled as he looked up in thought. Between the two of them, singing had always been more of Kihyun’s specialty. He was the one who would sing them to sleep at night or serenade him stupidly on special occasions. But ever since Kihyun had been hospitalized, he had lost his ability to sing due to pain. No one had been more devastated than Kihyun.

Hoseok started with humming. He wasn’t quite sure of the tune yet, but he figured that after humming, a song would come quickly enough. Kihyun melted into him, sighing in content as the base of Hoseok’s throat rumbled against his cheek.

Hoseok only began singing words when Kihyun was drifting to sleep. He wasn’t sure what he was really singing, but he allowed his voice to carry softly around the sterile room, the steady beeping of Kihyun’s heart monitor keeping rhythm.

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Ah!” Hoseok winced in pain as the needle danced across his skin.

“Sorry ’bout that,” the tattoo artist said offhandedly as he continued his work. He wiped down the spot he was working on again and continued to color some flower petals. “We’re almost done with this session.”

“Don’t worry about me,” Hoseok said with a strained smile. He hissed as the needle came into contact with his skin again.

“So,” the tattoo artist began, probably trying to get Hoseok’s mind off of the pain, “what’s the story behind this tattoo?”

Hoseok grit his teeth. “My husband,” he said after a moment. “I’m getting this for my husband.”

“Oh, really? How sweet.”

“Yeah.” Hoseok laughed raspily at the pain. “As a reminder.”

The tattoo artist chuckled as he wiped his skin and went back to work. “Your whole arm? Just for a reminder?”

Hoseok smiled softly and replied, “Yeah. Just… sometimes he needs to be reminded how much he means to me. And honestly, my whole arm isn’t enough to show him that. But he’ll understand.”

“Cute,” the man said with a grin. “Well, knowing that, I’ll do an extra good job. You’re a trooper though—the forearm is probably the part that hurts the most when doing a sleeve.”

“Yeah, it definitely is.” Hoseok laughed through his hardened jaw. He let out a deep breath and nodded. “But it’s okay. He goes through so much more pain than me, I’m sure this is just a fraction of it. I can do this much, at least.”

“That’s a very noble way to think about it,” the man replied with a smile. He wiped Hoseok one last time and then wiped the newly inked area down with antibacterial soap. “Well!” he announced. “Our session today is just about finished. We just need one more session and it will be done.”

“Great, that sounds good,” Hoseok thanked with a smile. He waited patiently as the man wrapped his fresh in plastic wrap.

“Say hello to your husband for me! I hope he likes what you got.”

“I haven’t shown him yet,” Hoseok replied with a twinkle in his eyes. “I want it to be a surprise. But I’ll tell him you said hi.”

The man laughed. “That’s right. Make sure he sees this, okay? Let him know how much you love him.”

Hoseok smiled. “I will.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


“What are you doing?”

“Writing.”

“What are you writing?”

“I don’t really know.”

Kihyun sighed as he scribbled some words down on the squares of paper on his lap. He put his marker down once the sheet was filled on both sides and began folding the edges.

“The nurses taught me to do this,” he said calmly, “whenever I felt… depressed? I don’t know. Whenever I feel like hurting myself, I should do this instead. Keeps my hands busy.”

Hoseok frowned to himself as he watched Kihyun fold the paper into some geometric shapes. “You know you’re too good to deserve that kind of pain, baby.”

Kihyun shrugged dryly. He seemed a little more dull today than usual, his eyes bleak and blank. Something must have happened when Hoseok was away this time—something that made Kihyun want to relapse. It must have been something bad if the nurses had to step in. Or maybe Kihyun had talked about it by himself.

Hoseok didn’t know. He wasn’t going to ask.

“What are you writing down, though?” he asked softly, peering over the edge of the bed railing.

Kihyun’s lips quirked up in a soft smile. He didn’t look up as he continued folding the paper. “The nurse said to write down things that make me happy. Little reminders and such. It helps, I think.” He laughed breathily. “And then she taught me how to do this…!” 

Hoseok’s smile spread wider over his face as Kihyun lifted his hand, and the paper sat there softly, resting gently on his palm in the shape of a butterfly. The paper origami was small, perhaps insignificant by itself, but with all of Kihyun’s dreams and affections written on the wings, Hoseok wanted to do nothing more than cherish it.

Kihyun plopped it into a jar that was on the table beside him. There were maybe one or two paper butterflies in there already, but a whole stack of sheets of paper remained beside it. Kihyun peeled another sheet from the top and began writing again.

Hoseok swallowed. He supposed it was another one of those days. He knew what these days felt like—these bleak, empty, hopeless seeming days. There were a lot of those days when the doctors had first told Kihyun what was going to happen. Kihyun had gotten so empty, his thoughts so dark, that Hoseok spent day and night worrying about him.

Some days were better than others. Some days weren’t. As Hoseok watched Kihyun continue to make paper butterflies out of the things in his head, he figured that today was one of those days that weren’t better than others. Kihyun kept reaching for more papers to write on and Hoseok’s heart sank.

Today wasn’t a good day for Kihyun. All he could offer was comfort whenever he could. But it just about broke his heart to see Kihyun keep reaching for paper and writing down things he loved, or things that plagued him. But Kihyun was a strong boy—Hoseok knew this would pass as long as he stayed by Kihyun’s side and held his hand. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


But sometimes there were days like today, where Kihyun couldn’t stop crying. Hoseok would hold him against his chest and soothe him as he cried and apologized. He kept apologizing and apologizing—Hoseok couldn’t bear to hear the words come out of his mouth.

“I’m sorry,” Kihyun hiccuped into his chest. “I’m sorry you had to marry me.”

Hoseok could only shush him. He could only kiss his forehead and rub his back and say, “Don’t be sorry, baby.” 

But Kihyun still cried, his fingers gripping the sweater on Hoseok’s chest as he shook his head defeatedly. “You deserve better than me,” he whispered through his tears. “You don’t… You don’t deserve to be married to someone who’s going to die.” 

“Baby, please,” Hoseok begged softly. “I love you so much, please stop.” His hands rubbed in circles, seemingly ineffective, on Kihyun’s back. 

It was only dusk when Kihyun had taken Hoseok’s hand and started crying. He wasn’t sure what was going through his head at all, but he hadn’t cried so sadly in ages. But when Kihyun started saying his regrets and his inner feelings, Hoseok felt his heart clench and his throat tighten. He had hugged him tight despite all the wires trying to tangle between the two of him.

“You shouldn’t have married me,” Kihyun said again, his voice cracking under the weight of his burdens. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’ve tricked you into marrying someone like me. You’re so amazing and wonderful—you should have married someone who deserved your love.”

_ “What?” _ The genuine shock in Hoseok’s voice reflected clearer than crystal in his eyes when he pulled away. He reached up to hold Kihyun’s face in his hands, wiping away his tears with his thumbs as he stared into Kihyun’s eyes desperately. “Kihyun, why would you ever think that? Why would you—? Baby, that’s not true at all.”

Kihyun shook his head as tears continued to fall. “But it’s true, Hoseok, I don’t deserve you. You have so much to live for and I’m just holding you back—”

Hoseok leaned in, pressing his lips to Kihyun’s softly, the taste of salty tears on his lips. Kihyun’s fingers gripped harder into his sweater, almost afraid to let go. Hoseok wiped his tears away again as he pulled away, his voice soft as he said, “That’s not true, baby. If anything, I don’t deserve someone as bright as you.” 

“That’s impossible.” Kihyun looked down, his tears falling into little wet circles on the blanket over his lap. “I feel so useless, Hoseok, I’ve never done anything for you. You do so much for me and I can’t do anything for you. And I want to be able to do something for you more than anything, but I just can’t. Not when I’m stuck here being sad and sick and making you take care of me.” His voice was so soft, if Hoseok wasn’t listening, he might not have heard him at all.

Hoseok was silent as Kihyun continued to cry quietly. He had hoped to keep it a surprise till the very end, but he realized that Kihyun needed more than his paper butterflies as a reminder that Hoseok loved him. It was Hoseok who needed to remind him.

So letting go of Kihyun softly, he slipped his right arm out of his sleeve and pulled it out from his sweater. Kihyun sniffed, staring on in confusion until he gasped in sudden realization. Hoseok’s tattoo appeared in the light. It was still unfinished, his skin still swollen, his ink still fresh as he showed it to Kihyun.

Kihyun’s eyes widened as he ran a finger over the lines and colors. “Is this…?”

“It’s the tattoo I’ve been getting for you,” Hoseok whispered.

A watercolor art of empty cherry blossom branches started at his shoulder, the dark brown and blacks blending to create branches that looked like veins. But as they continued down his arm, they blossomed into pretty, pink flowers with small pops of lavender to shade. The flowers were sparse first, but by the end of the branch, they gathered in beautiful bunches of blossoms. The blossoms were so beautiful, the pink lines and colors so detailed on his skin as if it were an actual painting. 

Kihyun marveled in awe, the fresh painting of such art looking so beautiful on Hoseok’s pale skin. His fingers traced to where the tattoo ended, just shy of two and a half inches past his elbow. 

“You… you got this for me?” 

Hoseok nodded. “It’s not done yet. I still have one more session to go. But I thought you should see it.” 

He smiled as Kihyun stared at it in childlike wonder, his glistening eyes unblinking as he studied the movement of the branches. 

“You know this represents how much I love you?”

Kihyun looked up. “It does?”

Hoseok nodded. He reached with his other hand to touch his shoulder, where the branches were bare and the watercolor seemed to bleed like black veins. “This,” he said, “was back when I was… back when life was tough. Back when I didn’t have you. My branches were bare.”

Kihyun sat and listened intently.

“And here,” Hoseok said, a smile lighting up his face, “is you.” 

He pointed to a small pink butterfly, unnoticeable if he didn’t point it out, that was landed on the bare branches of the blossoms. It would have blended right in with the blossoms, but Kihyun noticed that it was placed above the flowers on his arm, the wings blending with some purple and blue on the edges.

“Me…?” Kihyun repeated softly.

Hoseok nodded before gesturing to the rest of his arm. “If you look, flowers don’t start blooming until the butterfly lands and makes these branches its home. Only then, do the branches start blooming and becoming beautiful.” He smiled as he rested his palm on Kihyun’s cheek again to wipe what remained of his tears. “Because you were that for me, you know? My life was so empty and dark before you came and found a home in me.” He swallowed, tears prickling at the back of his eyes as he smiled a little wider. “A tree isn’t beautiful without flowers,” he chuckled. “And… my life isn’t beautiful without you.”

It was so quiet between the two of them for a few heartbeats. Kihyun saying nothing as he stared at Hoseok’s arm with wide eyes. Hoseok only laughed when Kihyun burst into tears again, but this time with a different meaning. He pulled Kihyun for another hug, holding him safe and secure in his arms as he kissed his head.

“It’s okay,” he chuckled despite the tears of his own that threatened to fall. “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay.”

But Kihyun only sniffled into his neck, whatever words he wanted to say incoherent and unintelligible. But Hoseok was sure he heard more than one  _ I love you’s _ in there. 

“I love you too.” He lifted Kihyun’s face so he could kiss him, wet tears and all. “I love you so much. Please never forget.”

“I won’t,” Kihyun whimpered softly as he clutched Hoseok’s hand softly. “I promise.”

“I love you, Kihyun.”

“I love you too.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  


“I want to see a real butterfly again.”

Hoseok hummed as he rested his chin on the crown of Kihyun’s head, his arms looped around his neck in a soft embrace. They were outside for once with a nurse’s special permission. Kihyun was still strong enough to not need a wheelchair, but he still had to lug his IV drip around with him and a nurse was keeping an eye on them.

Kihyun sat on one of the stone benched on the hospital property, looking up at the clear blue sky with soft desire. “Do you think I’ll get to see one? Flying in the air?” 

“I think so,” Hoseok replied. “The season for butterflies is coming soon.” 

“I hope I get to see one.” Kihyun smiled up into the sky. “I want to see one as pretty as the one on your arm.”

Hoseok chuckled. “Nothing will be as pretty as that butterfly—that butterfly is  _ you, _ after all.”

Kihyun snickered, hitting Hoseok’s hand softly. “Still. I want to see one. Maybe nothing will be as pretty. But I can hope.” 

“Yeah,” Hoseok agreed. “Hope is good.”

Kihyun coughed into his fist. “It is.” 

He breathed in deep through his nose as he curled his bare feet into the grass under them. He had been so excited that he took his shoes off immediately once he had sat down. When was the last time he had felt so free, he had asked. And when would he feel it again. Kihyun didn’t know and Hoseok didn’t have an answer.

“Before I die,” Kihyun said, his hand reaching up to touch Hoseok’s, “I want to see butterflies. Okay? Just butterflies.”

Hoseok’s throat tightened at his words, but he nodded. “Okay,” he said. “We’ll see butterflies.”

Kihyun rested his cheek against Hoseok’s arm. “Good.” He reached up to touch Hoseok’s arm and asked, “When are you going in for your last session?”

“Soon. Later today, I think.”

He felt Kihyun’s cheek lift into a smile. “I can’t wait to see the finished product. It’ll be beautiful, I know it.” 

“Beautiful because of you, right?” 

_ “Stop,” _ Kihyun laughed breathlessly, playfully pushing Hoseok away as he pressed kisses all over his cheeks.

Hoseok smiled as he reached or Kihyun’s hand. “Okay, okay. Baby, I hate to say it, but the time I got for us to go outside is up and we have to go back in.”

Kihyun pouted as he allowed Hoseok to help him stand up and put his shoes back on. He coughed into his fist and said, “I wish I could come out more often. It’s always so nice out.”

“Keep your window open more?” Hoseok said with a smile. “It’s not the same but it’ll help.”

“Yeah, maybe.” 

“And maybe sometime, we can— Kihyun?” Hoseok stopped when he noticed Kihyun was frozen in his spot, unresponsive and still. “Kihyun? Baby— baby are you okay?” 

Kihyun’s face was contorted in pain, his hand clenched into a tight fish at his chest as he breathed heavily. He coughed hard—once, twice—before he was having a fit. 

“Kihyun—!” Hoseok exclaimed, gripping him urgently by the shoulders. 

But Kihyun kept coughing so hard, he couldn’t even respond. Hoseok placed a hand over Kihyun’s fist as if it would calm him somehow. But he could see Kihyun’s chest spasming with every cough he choked out and worry began settling into Hoseok’s mind.

“Kihyun,” he said. “Baby. Baby, can you hear me? Kihyun!” 

Hoseok let out a horrified gasp when Kihyun fell to his knees, blood spotting onto his fist with each cough. He choked violently, more blood coming out the harder he coughed. Hoseok was at his side and clutching on to him but he wasn’t sure what to do—wasn’t sure what he  _ could  _ do.

“Kihyun?” he said shakily. “Look at me, baby, come on—” 

He couldn’t get another word in before the nurse supervising them came running. He was saying words that Hoseok wasn’t listening to into the walkie talkie attached on his shoulder. Gently, he pushed Hoseok’s hands aside as he checked on Kihyun’s vitals with concern all over his face.

“What’s going on?” Hoseok asked, despite getting no answer. “What’s happening?”

The air dropped around them as some other nurses ran out with a stretcher and loaded Kihyun on. Kihyun’s eyes opened blearily, searching for Hoseok with his empty hands.

“H-Hoseok?” he choked out before the nurses hushed him.

Hoseok licked his lips and looked at Kihyun over the shoulders of the nurses. “Ki, I’m right here. Everything is fine, baby, okay?”

Kihyun didn’t respond, only closing his eyes as the nurses whisked him away, leaving Hoseok in confusion and panic.

  
  
  
  
  
  


It was hours later, right before his tattoo session, that he got the call that Kihyun was okay. He was so relieved that he could have cried. And perhaps he teared up a bit. But he would blame it on the needle painting his skin.

  
  
  
  
  
  


“You scared me.”

“I’m sorry.” 

“Stop. Stop apologizing.”

“I’m sor— I didn’t mean to.”

Hoseok sighed as he sat by the edge of Kihyun’s hospital bed, reaching over to take his hand and kiss the back of it. “It’s fine, Kihyun, I just… I was just so worried about you.” He kissed the back of his hand again, over and over. “You had me so… so scared.” His voice shook.

Kihyun bit his bottom lip, the nasal cannula on his face looking so out of place and strange. He had never needed that before. “I don’t know why I did that,” he murmured.

Hoseok kissed his hand again. “It’s okay, baby, you didn’t do it on purpose. You can’t control it.” 

It was quiet then as they realized that was the scariest part. Kihyun had no control over anything; not even his own health. He couldn’t control how much time was left.

Hoseok didn’t know how much time was left. And he couldn’t be sure. All he was sure of was that any time he had left with Kihyun was precious, cherishable, and running out.

“I hurt you, didn’t I? I scared and hurt you.” Kihyun stared down at his other hand. “I didn’t mean to.”

“No.” Hoseok shook his head. “You scared me a little, but you didn’t hurt me.” He kissed Kihyun’s hand again. “You could never hurt me.”

Kihyun’s voice cracked and sniffed, wiping at the tears he didn’t want Hoseok to see. “I’m sorry, Hoseok. I know you don’t want me to say it, but I still feel sorry. I want to stay alive for you, but I—”

_ “Stop,” _ Hoseok whispered, his voice shaking as he squeezed Kihyun’s hand. He rested it against his forehead as he murmured,  _ “Please _ stop, Kihyun.”

Kihyun breathed shallowly as to keep himself from crying. He brought the hand that Hoseok held to his lap, gripping Hoseok’s fingers tightly as he forced him to look at him. Kihyun’s eyes were wet and desperate as he searched Hoseok’s. Hoseok wasn’t sure what he was looking for. He wasn’t sure if he had an answer.

“What if,” Kihyun said slowly and softly, “you regret it. All this time you spend loving me and I can’t love you back properly. All this time wasted on me when you could be doing something with your life. Why do you think I wish you didn’t marry me, Hoseok? Because I don’t love you? I love you so much.” 

Hoseok bit his lower lip to stop it from quivering. “Kihyun—” 

“I want nothing more than to be with you, to laugh with you, to grow old with you and to love you  _ right. _ But I  _ can’t. _ ” Kihyun laughed out breathily, although Hoseok was unsure if he was laughing or crying. “And you don’t deserve that, Hoseok. You’re so good and so warm and you’re so precious to me. Do you remember that time we broke up in college?”

Hoseok nodded quietly as Kihyun reached over with his other hand and cradled his cheek. He could see Kihyun’s eyes glistening with tears as he smiled.

“I regretted it so much. I really thought I had lost and you and I just…” He sniffed and laughed. “I said at our wedding that was when I figured out that I loved you. Really, really loved you. After I felt what it was like to lose you, I never wanted to feel it again. You mean so much to me Hoseok. That’s why I asked you to marry me.” He sniffed again and a tear fell down his cheek. “But maybe I shouldn’t have.”

“Kihyun, please stop,” Hoseok begged, holding back the tears that waited to fall from his eyes.

Kihyun shook his head. “I’m so sorry I made you marry me,” he whispered. “I always tell myself to cherish you because I never want to lose you again. But  _ you’re  _ the one losing  _ me  _ and I’m so sorry I’m hurting you this way. And I can’t even do anything about it, I hate it.”

“Kihyun, no—”

“I know you cried.” Kihyun stared at him with bleary eyes. “Jooheon told me that after you finished your tattoo you went to his place and cried because you were scared about what would happen to me. And I can’t even be there for you the way I should be because  _ I’m  _ the one making you hurt.”

“No,” Hoseok said, leaning up to take Kihyun’s face in his hands. He sniffed his tears away as he wiped Kihyun’s. “No, no, no, no. You didn’t make me marry you, Kihyun, I married you because I love you. More than  _ anything, _ I love you. You can’t hurt me, Kihyun. You could never hurt me,” he repeated.

Kihyun rested his hand on top of Hoseok’s and whispered, “But what if? What if you regret loving me?” Tears hung off his eyelashes like gems as he continued, “I can’t love you the way you deserve, Hoseok. And you’ll regret me one day. Whether you regret me because you couldn’t love me long enough or I couldn’t love you the way you should be—you’ll regret me.”

Hoseok shook his head as he wiped the tears off of Kihyun’s cheek. “I could never regret you, Kihyun. I could love you for shorter or longer and I would never,  _ ever  _ regret loving you.” He leaned stood up press a kiss on Kihyun’s forehead. “And even if  I did, you’re someone I’m willing to regret for the rest of my life.”

Kihyun laughed through his tears. He laughed as if Hoseok was the most ridiculous person he had ever heard. But Hoseok could see that brand new spark in his eyes. The one that had been missing. He didn’t know how long it would last, but so long as it was in Kihyun’s eyes, he would cherish it.

Kihyun giggled and leaned down from his spot on the bed to kiss Hoseok on the forehead. “I love you,” he whispered.

Hoseok kissed his knuckles. “I love you too.” 

Kihyun wiped his tears as he made space on his small bed again, allowing Hoseok to climb into the empty space next to him. He was quick to embrace Hoseok as tightly as he could. Nestling his face right into the crook of Hoseok’s neck, Kihyun breathed contently as Hoseok rubbed circles with his thumb on his shoulder. 

“I love you,” he murmured.

Hoseok replied, “I love you too.” 

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

They fell asleep like that until the sun rose.

  
  
  
  
  


Hoseok wished he could remember the face Kihyun made when he saw his finished tattoo forever. The way Kihyun’s eyes lit up at the beautiful watercolor decorating Hoseok’s arm. His fingers, so soft as he traced the art on the newly healed skin. 

Beneath the blossomed flowers on the branch were falling petals. The petals floated gracefully, all the way down to Hoseok’s wrist where some numbers were written in a soft script in lavender. Kihyun’s eyes were so bright and sparkly when he realized that it was their wedding anniversary. 

It was beautiful, he had said, his eyes so shiny and awed. Kihyun had looked so cute, Hoseok had to kiss him right there. They laughed between their kisses and Kihyun had grabbed Hoseok and kissed him so hard, Hoseok almost lost his breath.

They would have kept kissing like that for hours and gotten further, had Hoseok not pulled away and told Kihyun that nurses would would come running in panic at the sudden spike in his heart monitor.

Kihyun pouted but he was happy. Even if it was only briefly, he was happy.

  
  
  
  
  
  


“So how much time does he have left?” 

The doctor frowned as he glanced at Kihyun’s room. “Not much, if I’m to be honest. He can hardly breathe on his own. At this point, he’s hurting himself more as he tries to survive.”

Hoseok held his face in his hands defeatedly. He had hoped this day would never come. The day where he had to prepare to say goodbye to Kihyun. It had only been a week since Kihyun was so bright and happy about his finished tattoo, but suddenly it seemed so desolate.

After a deep breath, Hoseok said, “Thank you for telling me, doctor.”

The doctor nodded. “Of course,” he said and then walked away.

Hoseok had to take more than one deep breath before going in the room to see Kihyun. He wasn’t awake right now, only sleeping peacefully with a breathing mask covering the lower half of his face. He had gone from the nasal tubes to a mask a few days ago and it had become so much harder to communicate. 

But that didn’t hurt—at least, it wasn’t what hurt the most.

When Hoseok came up to the hospital bed, he eyes pricked with sharp emotions as he found writing all over Kihyun’s arms. In black scrawl was Hoseok’s name written over and over on any space Kihyun could seem to find. There were some drawings of small butterflies and more words like  _ keep breathing _ and  _ stay for Hoseok _ written all over. 

Hoseok looked to his bedside—his jar was full. There were no sheets of paper left for Kihyun to write on. His jar was filled to the brim with butterflies. He had no space to write left but his arms. 

He ran his arms over the places Kihyun had written. He felt so sorry, so guilty that Kihyun was fighting so hard for him. He took Kihyun’s hand into his despite knowing that he couldn’t hear him and probably wouldn’t wake up from it.

“Baby…” Hoseok whispered. He smiled and stroked Kihyun’s hand with his thumb. “Baby, you’re doing your best, aren’t you? You’re… You’re doing so well. But you’re in so much pain.” He swallowed down the lump in his throat and chuckled. “You’re in so much pain, baby. And as much as I love having you with me, I would so much rather you not be in pain anymore.”

He wiped at his face. Even if Kihyun wasn’t awake, he couldn’t cry in front of him. He  _ wouldn’t. _

“It’s okay,” he whispered. “It’s okay if you go. You don’t need to stay for me.” He leaned over and kissed Kihyun’s forehead. “I’ll be fine if you leave. I’ll be okay. Because remember, I have my whole arm to remember you by now,” he chuckled.

He continued despite knowing Kihyun wouldn’t respond.

“I’m sorry I can’t protect like I promised I would on the night of our wedding. I’m sorry I can’t keep you safe like I promised your step-brother. I’m sorry for all the promises I have to break. But I’ll never break the promise I say when I promise to love you forever.” He kissed him again. “You can go and I’ll still love you.”

He laughed at himself, the pulse in Kihyun’s hand feeling comforting.

“And if you don’t decide to go, I’ll always be right here when you wake up.”

Even with the pulse in Kihyun’s hand, Hoseok could feel it slipping. He was probably just imagining it but he still needed to look around the room to find something to distract him from his tears. When his eyes landed on Kihyun’s jar of paper butterflies, he began to think.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Kihyun woke up, groggy. He felt weak inside and out and he wasn’t sure how long he had been sleeping. He still felt tired when he woke, he just wanted to go right back to sleep. The sun was just beginning to dip below the horizon, so perhaps he would sleep again. But before he could close his eyes, they widened in shock at what had become of his room while he was asleep. 

From the ceiling hung several long strings and attached to the strings were butterflies. The paper butterflies he had written all over before folding. They hung like wind chimes or vines all over his room and on the edge of his window, paper butterflies were lined up like ducks.

“Oh…” he gasped.

There was only one person who could have done this. And looking around the room, Kihyun found him asleep in the chair beside his hospital bed, snoring softly. Kihyun smiled—so this is why Hoseok had asked to see his jar of butterflies a few days prior. 

“Hoseok,” he said. “Hoseok.”

Hoseok stirred away, blinking his eyes heavily as he looked at Kihyun and smiled. “Good morning, baby.”

“It’s hardly morning,” Kihyun chuckled. “The sun is setting.”

“It is?”

“Mm.” Kihyun hummed. 

Hoseok smiled sheepishly at the room and his handiwork, standing up and saying, “I meant to be awake when I surprised you with this.” He walked over and kissed Kihyun on the forehead. “But I did this for you.”

Kihyun’s smile was so wide, it could have broken Hoseok’s heart. “It’s beautiful, Hoseok. It really is. They look so much prettier like this than in the jar.”

“And there’s one more part to this.”

His face melted into soft surprise, his eyes going slightly wider as he watched Hoseok walk over to the window. “Another part…?”

Hoseok’s smile was big and bright as he opened the window gently. And ever so softly, a breeze rushed into the room, rippling the vines of butterflies and sending the butterflies lined up on the sill sailing into the open air. Kihyun gasped at it, his eyes filling with awe as he stared unblinkingly at the scene before him.

His hand clutched the sheets tightly as he stared at the window, watching the butterflies he made fly with the wind’s irregularity and disappearing into the distance. But when they disappeared, the rich golden glow of the setting sun set his room ablaze as the butterflies on strings danced around him. A feeling of elation filled Kihyun’s chest—he couldn’t describe it. 

But tears sat right on the edge of his eyes as he laughed, his breath fogging up the mask on his face. Hoseok was so wonderful. He was the best thing Kihyun ever had.

“I know it’s probably not what you meant,” Hoseok said softly, “by wanting to see butterflies fly. But it’s the best I could do.”

Kihyun reached out for Hoseok with empty hands, nearly shaking in joy as Hoseok came and grabbed them. “Hoseok,” he whispered. “This is more than enough.” He laughed and wiped at his eyes. “This is so much more than anything I could ever ask for. I… I wish I could kiss you.”

Hoseok smiled, nearly bittersweetly, as he leaned down and kissed Kihyun right on his mask. He smiled and stroked Kihyun’s hair. “Is that enough for you?”

“No,” Kihyun said defiantly, his laughs shallow and weak. “Not enough.”

Hoseok wanted to protest when he saw Kihyun reaching for the straps of his mask, but before he could get a word out, Kihyun had already taken it off, strewn it to the side, and was reaching up to pull him down for a kiss. He pressed his lips to Hoseok’s so desperately. The last time they kissed had felt so long ago, Kihyun couldn’t help but giggle in between all the soft kisses he was giving Hoseok now. He was so excited and giddy, Hoseok had to hold him still in order to kiss him properly.

“I love you,” Kihyun whispered between kisses. “I love you so much.”

“And I love you too,” Hoseok murmured against his lips.

When they pulled away, Kihyun tugged him back into a hug, clutching onto him tightly and affectionately. His head rested right on Hoseok’s chest from where he sat, Hoseok’s heartbeat echoing loudly against his ear. He grinned—he could listen to Hoseok’s heart beat forever.

They stayed like that for some time before Kihyun looked up at him, his eyes wet but his smile wide and joyful. Hoseok chuckled and stroked his hair affectionately, bending down to plant one last kiss on the crown of Kihyun’s head. And then suddenly Kihyun was letting go, scooting over to make that familiar small spot that Hoseok could lay in with him.

“Will you sing to me?” 

Hoseok felt his eyebrows raise as he climbed in. “What?”

Kihyun grinned and looked at the butterflies that still danced around his room. “It’s so pretty. It would be a shame if your voice didn’t accompany it.”

“Kihyun, I don’t know,” Hoseok began.

“Please,” Kihyun interrupted. His smile was so bright. “Sing me to sleep, please? Sing me to sleep and I’ll sleep. I promise.” 

Hoseok could never say no to him.

So he took Kihyun into his arms, held him close and dear, pressed kisses into his skin as he sang. He was more sure of this tune. He filled it with all of his love and his affections, singing sweetly into Kihyun’s ear as the butterflies fluttered around them like a dream and Kihyun fell asleep with a smile on his face.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Kihyun didn’t wake up after that.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Hoseok had promised himself he wouldn’t cry. Had promised himself that he had to be strong for Kihyun’s family.

But there was something so sadistically cruel about how Kihyun’s picture on the table looked so beautiful. His flushed cheeks and bright grin were prettier than Hoseok had remembered. And yet behind it, Kihyun lay there, dressed in clean clothes, hands folded peacefully, dead in his glossy casket. 

It wasn’t fair, Hoseok thought. It wasn’t right. Kihyun didn’t belong there. And Hoseok had told himself he wouldn’t cry, but when he thought about Kihyun being buried six feet underneath the surface of the earth, he couldn’t stop crying. Kihyun didn’t  _ belong  _ there. He shouldn’t belong there.

All of his months of pent up tears came ripping into him all at once. Grief lay heavy on his shoulders, making it hard for him to lift his head when they went to close Kihyun’s coffin. 

He had promised not to cry so he could be strong, but when Kihyun’s step-brother, Changkyun, held him in embrace, he had never felt himself cry harder. He clutched on to the dark fabric of Changkyun’s suit, his tears staining the younger boy’s shoulders as he sobbed so hard, it felt like he could disappear with the wind, just like Kihyun’s butterflies.

“It’s okay,” Changkyun had whispered through his own sniffles. “Kihyun’s okay now. He knows you loved him. He’s going to be okay.”

And for once, Hoseok felt like he could believe him. 

Kihyun was gone. But he would be okay.

Kihyun was okay.

  
  
  
  
  
  


“How’s the healing?” 

“Just about completely healed, actually.”

“Really? That was quick. A lot quicker than the first time. Can I see it?”

Many months later, Hoseok smiled as he pulled his shirt over his head, exposing his back. He chuckled when he heard a sound of awe. In the mirror in front of him, he could see the back his left shoulder reflected in a mirror behind him. He smiled at the new work of art there.

“That’s so pretty!” 

“It is, isn’t it?”

“How many sessions did that take?”

Hoseok stared at the brand new butterfly tattoo on the back of his left shoulder. It was beautiful and bright, the pink watercolor not even contained by the purple outlining. The pink color exploded like it was a firework. It was wonderful and colorful, just like how Hoseok remembered him.

“Just one session, actually,” he said. “I got it for my husband.”

“Wow, really? That’s amazing. He must love it.”

With a soft smile, Hoseok reached over with his arm decorated in cherry blossoms to touch the butterfly he couldn’t see with his eyes. But it was there. It would always be.

“Yeah,” he said softly. “I know he would.”

**Author's Note:**

> ; v ;  
> i love u kiho im srry  
> i havent written angst in v long pls forgiv me
> 
> i said i would be earlier than last kiho monthly but look at me cutting it so close to the deadline again lmao
> 
> anyways i hope u enjoyed it despite it being so sad ; v ; and u can find me on twitter @kkulseoki !! bc i changed it lolol  
> see you next time!


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